What is Positive Islamic Parenting? A Comprehensive Guide

You may have heard of terms like respectful parenting, positive discipline, conscious discipline, gentle parenting, intentional parenting, and so on. Honestly, while the names are different, each parenting style is actually very similar. In this post, I’ll be diving into the essence of positive Islamic parenting, and 5 key principles all Muslim parents should know.

So what is positive parenting?

Positive parenting focuses on raising children through secure attachment. It’s about understanding how to work with children’s development, not against it, so that the child can feel safe, stable and able to navigate the world confidently. 

The positive parenting approach supports parents to thrive too by reducing things like parental shame, overwhelm and feeling inadequate.

So you may be wondering what’s the difference between positive parenting and positive Islamic parenting?

Islamic philosophy and principles are completely aligned to the positive parenting approach, but includes one fundamental difference.

The Muslim goal with parenting is not simply to raise happy children who can thrive in this world. 

Our ultimate goal is to help our children know, love and have closeness with Allah, in this world and the next. And in doing so, we achieve the same goal ourselves as parents.

Why positive Islamic parenting? 

For Muslims, there’s nothing more important than living our lives to achieve the pleasure of Allah.

That can take many shapes and forms, of course – that’s the beauty of being human and the openness of Islam.

Being a Muslim AND a parent, sometimes we can lose sight that even how we parent is a type of worship and should please Allah.

It’s easy to forget, because parenting is REALLY hard! No two ways about it.

Allah tells us many times in the Qur’an that our children will be a test for us. (See Surah at-Taghabun, 64:15 and Surah al-Anfal, 8:28.) This is upfront acknowledgement that raising children will be hard. 

However, the surah also tells Muslims that it’s we who will be tested, not our children. 

I believe that test is about how we live up to our responsibilities to nurture and care for our children, and whether that process brings us (and our kids) closer to Allah or more distant.

That verse is also a reminder that trials or tests from Allah come in the form of both blessings and hardship, which just sums up parenting in one!

So it really matters how we Muslims choose to parent our children.

Positive Islamic parenting also follows the sunnah of our Prophet Muhammed (peace be upon him), who was always loving, kind and respectful to children. 

Basics of positive discipline from an Islamic viewpoint

As mentioned, positive parenting is based on the core idea that humans, regardless of their age, deserve respect. Islam is a religion which honours human beings because we are Allah’s creation.

That also means there are expectations placed on us as Allah’s most beloved creations. 

Here’s how I see Islam, parenting and positive discipline coming together through the following principles: 

Principle 1 – Respect for your child, yourself and others

Respect is a non-negotiable when it comes to being a Muslim, full stop. We’re expected to respect all life, including humans, animals and nature.

In parenting, that looks like respect for your child, others and yourself. Without this, the relationship between you and your child will eventually break down. 

That’s why in positive Islamic parenting there’s a huge emphasis on loving connection and attachment between you and your child, founded on genuine mutual respect.

I go into what it means to truly respect your child (and yourself and others!) in much more detail in this blog post about respect in parenting.

Principle 2 – Nurturing an internal locus of control

This idea might sound complex but I promise it’s not!

Everyone has a locus of control, or in other words, something which influences our thoughts and actions. 

That locus of control can either be external (comes from outside you) or internal (comes from within you).

An external locus of control is when outside factors influence how you think and act. 

For example, you train to be a lawyer because you want to please your mum rather than because it’s what you truly want to do. In this case, your mum would be your external locus of control as your motivation is to make your mum happy. 

Or it could be a non-living thing. For example, your daughter is motivated to do a chore only because she wants to get a reward, like a chocolate or a sticker. In this case, the external locus of control for your daughter is the chocolate or sticker. 

In both cases, the person isn’t motivated to do something because they just want to do it – something outside of them motivates them.

An internal locus of control is the opposite! This is when you do something because you want to, not because someone or something else has influenced you. This is a marker of someone with self-confidence and a strong sense of who they are.

And that’s exactly what we want to support our children to develop! 

For Muslims, we have a deeper understanding of the internal locus of control. We believe Allah has given us free will, but our true motivator is the act of seeking his pleasure and what (should) guide all our decisions and actions. 

Principle 3 – Focusing on the long-term, not short-term ‘wins’

Muslims know that this short life is a test and the long-term reward and goal is to return to Allah.

We should apply this long-term focus to parenting too! In Islam, childhood is the training ground for life. Remembering this can help parents keep things in perspective.

For example, a short-term approach might look like punishing your child because they have done something you view as wrong. 

That approach might be effective in the moment to stop the behaviour. But if you continue like this, you threaten your long-term relationship with your kid. There is an unbalanced power dynamic between you – the child is powerless and you are powerful.

On the other hand, if you’re too lenient and always give into your child’s demands, in the long-term it teaches them they have ALL the power in the relationship. So, they grow up entitled and without respect for you or others.

The positive parenting approach instead focuses on achieving a happy middle by working with your child’s development. (This is the same as understanding and nurturing their fitra/innate nature.)

When you take the time to understand some basics of children’s development, you see the long-term potential for your child.

Once we remove our own adult ego and agenda from the table (which can be really hard!), we have the potential for greater parenting success. Being open to understanding the child’s point of view allows you to have realistic expectations and achievable standards.

Remember, for Muslims, children are completely innocent and sin-free until they reach maturity, so we have to treat them with the same respect and status that Allah has given them!

Principle 4 – Establishing kind and firm limits

To be an effective parent, you have to realise that the goal of parenting isn’t to get your child to obey or be and act how you want. Neither is the goal of parenting to give and do everything for your children.

Parenting is about finding the balance. Kind and firm limits can help parents achieve that.

Kind and firm limits means putting in place a rule or boundary and then supporting your children to stick to those rules/boundaries with kindness. There are a few things that need to be in place for this to work best:

• Your limits should be reasonable! That means they are developmentally and age-appropriate.
• Where possible, boundaries can be decided together as a family.
• Your rules should be clearly communicated and consistently applied.
• You need to be available to support your child when they find it hard to stick to your limit. Don’t expect them to simply cooperate!
• You are able to respond to your child’s feelings/behaviours about the boundary with calmness, kindness and empathy, without having to change the boundary.

Obviously, you can change your mind about your boundaries and limits! You don’t have to stick to them forever for the sake of consistency.

The main idea is to not let the discomfort of your child pushing back, voicing their anger or having big feelings dictate your boundary.

If you think your child’s response is justified for whatever reason, changing it shows your flexibility and willingness to compromise. Those are great Islamic traits to model!

Principle 5 – Nurturing a growth mindset

As touched upon in principle 3, positive discipline sees making mistakes as incredibly valuable and opportunities to learn!

The process of failing is important to help avoid the traps of perfectionism, which can lead to shame and reduced sense of self-worth. I don’t think any of us want that for our children.

Instead, Muslim parents need to nurture a growth mindset within our kids. A growth mindset sees all mistakes as opportunities to learn and improve, allowing creativity and critical thinking to be unlocked.

We know that critical thinking is highly valued in Islam as Allah tells us again and again in the Qur’an to ‘reflect’. (Here are just a few examples of such verses: 10:24, 3:19, 30:21)

The parent and child relationship is the first partnership relationship a child will know. Modelling problem solving, tolerating disappointment and frustration, and overcoming obstacles are hugely important skills to develop together with your child.

Many of us won’t ever have been taught these skills and have lived our lives with fixed mindsets. We tell ourselves that we can’t change anything, there’s no point in trying, or that our mistakes are a reflection of failure within ourselves.

This is not how mistakes are viewed in Islam.

Mistakes are a means to attain closeness with Allah. When we do make mistakes, we can turn to Allah, the most Merciful, for help, support and guidance through difficulties or when we’ve committed sins.

There’s always a way out if we believe in Allah, whereas perfectionism doesn’t allow that flexibility or tolerance, which is hugely damaging to self esteem.

In short, a growth mindset is the Islamic mindset and cultivating that in your children will help them thrive.

Final takeaways

If you’re Muslim, all parents have one main goal that they strive to achieve: closeness to and pleasure of Allah, for your children and yourself.

There are five key principles in positive Islamic parenting, in no particular order, that can help you do that.

1. Having respect for your child, yourself and others.
2. Understanding and nurturing an internal locus of control (which is Allah).
3. Focusing on the long-term, not short-term.
4. Putting in place kind and firm limits.
5. Nurturing your child’s growth mindset.

All of these principles are intertwined with each other and can help build a solid foundation of truth, stability, love and connection between you and your child, insha’Allah.

To learn more, I highly recommend ‘Positive Parenting in the Muslim Home’ by Moha Al-Shugairi and Munira Lekovic Ezzeldine, which is one of the only books out there that serves Muslim parents specifically using positive, respectful methods.

If this approach appeals to you, but you’re not sure where or how to start implementing these principles in your family, I’m here to support you. Click here to learn how I can help!