Is Montessori Parenting Fake? Everything You Need to Know

Montessori parenting is a popular term but is it really a ‘Montessori’ thing?

Parents all over the world self-classify as being ‘Montessori parents’, including me. But what does that actually mean considering Maria Montessori’s method was developed for teachers? 

Maria Montessori’s philosophy was educational. She created a method based on her observations of children and their natural development. Her method was completely child-centred with the goal to allow children to reach their developmental potential.

Is Montessori parenting fake?

Not at all! Montessori parenting can mean many things to many people. For me, Montessori parenting means believing and implementing the principles of Montessori philosophy in my parenting approach at home.

So even though Montessori didn’t specifically create a method of parenting, her educational philosophy has been inspirational. So much so, that it has been adopted and adapted by parents all over the world.  

And it is so popular that it seems to have morphed into its own movement. Social media platforms like Instagram allow Montessori parents to come together to form their own close-knit communities.

So what is Montessori parenting?

Montessori parenting combines Montessori educational principles and practices with the principles and practices of positive discipline.

Most importantly, both approaches are rooted in respect for the child, which underpins the whole Montessori philosophy. 

Montessori believed that education begins at birth, so parents are a child’s first teacher – whether we realise it or not! Scientific research has now confirmed that the early years of a child’s development are the most crucial years of their life, and has a significant bearing on how they turn out as adults.

Montessori maintained that children have a natural desire to learn. One of our jobs as parents is to nurture that innate desire. 

What are the key ideas in the Montessori approach?

As mentioned, the overarching principle in Montessori philosophy is respect for the child.

There are other key ideas in Montessori education which are relevant for parenting too. These are:

• trusting the child and their individual development 
• understanding children through observation
• providing children with freedom within limits
• understanding that play is a child’s work

What are the key ideas of Positive Discipline?

There are 5 main components of positive discipline as stated in positivediscipline.org. Positive discipline: 

• helps children feel a sense of connection. (Belonging and significance)
• is mutually respectful and encouraging.  (Kind and firm at the same time.)
• is effective long-term. (Considers what the child is thinking, feeling, learning, and deciding about himself and his world – and what to do in the future to survive or to thrive.)
• teaches important social and life skills.  (Respect, concern for others, problem solving, communication, and cooperation as well as the skills to contribute to the home, school or larger community.)
• invites children to discover how capable they are. (Encourages the constructive use of personal power and autonomy.)

You can see from the brief overview that both positive discipline and the Montessori educational philosophy are complementary. They are both rooted in respect for the child.

Trusting the child (‘Follow the child’) through Montessori parenting

Montessori advocated for parents and caregivers to take a child-centred approach to raising our kids. So, rather than doing or deciding everything for our children, we should start seeing them as capable. Montessori stressed that we must trust or follow the child. 

There is a lot of misunderstanding about the phrase ‘to follow the child’. In the parenting world, the phrase is often mistranslated as ‘to let your child do whatever they want’. This is called permissive parenting and is not the same as Montessori parenting.

This bit is really important. Part of respecting the child is NOT allowing them to do whatever they want. Our job as parents is to help teach boundaries and safety. I will cover this in more detail in the section below on ‘freedom within limits’.

Following the child means to be child-centred. Again, this does not mean the child calls the shots. To follow the child is to seek to understand the child and their developmental needs.

Once you have that understanding, you can make shifts to help the child meet their needs. When that’s not possible, you can empathise while holding your firm boundaries. 

A Montessori parent understands that being child-centred requires a mindset shift. We realise that our children are far more capable of doing things for themselves than we expect them to be. And they usually want to be independent and do those things for themselves.

The response of the parent will depend on what the parent sees and notices, which leads me onto the next principle of Montessori education: observation.

Observing your child

Montessori came to her conclusions about education through a purely scientific lens in her role as a scientist, rather than through a parenting lens. In fact, though she had a son, she was never a parent to him. 

Through objective, meticulous scientific observations of the students within her classroom, Montessori discovered how children learned most effectively and what engaged them best.

She found that children maintain better focus when the environment is orderly and organised for them, with everything in its own place. This is called ‘the prepared environment’ and the concept is one of the pillars of Montessori education.

At home, this may look like having a kitchen or bathroom with ready-to-access step stools when your kids want to wash their hands.

It could also mean having a small table and chair at child height for your child to sit down and use when they want to eat or do an activity.

It may mean having your child’s toys available and set up in an orderly fashion so they can access and return them easily.

There is no right or wrong way to have a ‘prepared environment’ at home as it will totally depend on your individual living circumstance. The main idea is to try to set up your home to allow your child to feel that they are an equal and respected member of the family and can make valuable contributions like everyone else.

Montessori also found through her observations that children can concentrate for long periods of time when they are given the freedom to do so.

As parents, we are sometimes guilty of talking to our children all the time in an attempt to boost their vocabulary and knowledge of the world. But sometimes, being quiet and giving them space is just as important. Parents can show respect for the child by taking care not to interrupt them when they are concentrating and respecting their need for focus. 
In my post on how to increase your children’s concentration, you can read about 10 tried and tested Montessori-friendly strategies I’ve used to support my children to maintain focus.

These moments of concentration can occur when a child is interested in developing a particular skill and are allowed the freedom to practise it. 

Montessori parenting provides freedom within limits

Like I mentioned above, the Montessori parenting approach is far from being permissive and it is not authoritarian either, with the adult making all the decisions and expecting the child to follow.

The Montessori philosophy takes a middle path, avoiding an unequal power dynamic between child and adult. In the classroom, the child is trusted to take charge of their own learning, while the adult acts as a guide to support the child. 

In the home within the family, the parent takes on a similar role too. They encourage the child to develop at their own pace, to make their own discoveries about the world, and gain independence.

This is called freedom within limits. Children are supported to develop and grow, but within the safe boundaries set by their adult guide. If children were given complete freedom, there would be no need for an adult, but we know this is not possible. 

A newborn cannot function at all by itself and a toddler will test all limits unless taught how to act safely or politely. But slowly over time, as a child grows, the amount of support provided by the adult can reduce and the child will gain more and more independence with age and maturity.

Play is the work of the child

Finally, the fun part – play!

We all know children love to play, but Maria Montessori observed something special about how children play.

She observed that children learn through the five senses (seeing, hearing, touching, tasting and smelling) and this is often referred to across the education world as ‘hands on learning’.

Not only this, but children give this type of play the same attention and devotion that an adult might to their work. In the life of a child, playing is the same as learning and it is extremely important work – this is to be respected by the adult.

In the home through Montessori parenting, this may look like:

• preparing a beautiful environment for your child in which to play and which is accessible to them, 
• having developmentally appropriate toys available that you’ve observed they are interested in, 
• being there to support and guide your child when they need help without judging and punishing them,
• and giving them the space and time to learn, explore and make discoveries without interruption.

Final thoughts on Montessori parenting

As you will see, these principles of Montessori all align and work together – they are not separate. 

If you strive to:

• respect and trust your child
• learn more about them through observation
• provide freedom within your family limits
• respect your child’s need to learn and play

Then, you are a Montessori parent. 

All of this will help you and your child build a life-long connection and mutual respect. It will help your child feel a sense of belonging which will build their self esteem.

And when they are adults, they will have the autonomy and confidence to know their own potential, and hopefully make healthy decisions in the future.

Montessori parenting is not easy, but it is an investment into the future – and our children are one of the best investments we can make in this life.

May all our parenting efforts be accepted by God. May He forgive us for our mistakes and help us find the right path. May He help us teach our children to be pious, caring, respectful human beings who know their own worth in the eyes of God. Ameen.

Salaam x